I knew you had the blade when I turned my back on you
the straight razor with the pearl handle, stolen from your grandfather’s old shaving kit
I knew you were behind me, knew you were not going to let me walk out
and when I felt the cold steel whisper on my throat,
I knew this was the way it had to be:
your breath, hot in my ear, saying
I love you.
So I’m in a mood. I am filled with anger, and when I am, this is what comes out.
In the white room, there is silence, solitude
When I cut my wrists, words pour out, black and white, seething, choking
filling the space, building a new world,
one in which I am not welcome
I live a good life. Solid, responsible. Why, then, this fire inside? Why is my head filled with these terrible images?
I feed the pages to the flames, one by one,
the lives I created burning to ash,
I can hear them cry out
page after page, burning cities consumed by fire
I will never be free, will never be empty
I will never be alone
I have insurance. I have a reasonable mortgage. I have a station wagon that I drive, every morning, on a very reasonable commute. I have a loving family and a stable relationship.
When the ghosts come, they tear me to pieces,
take everything, leaving only empty memories,
a husk that can walk and say the right things
They return to the darkness, laughing
The hollow vessel walks into the future
I have done everything right, have achieved everything I have ever dreamed, received every gift, had every prayer answered, and somehow this has filled me with rage.
Stability is a chain. A blessing. A curse.
It has been a long time since I have written anything interesting, and I have been feeling bottled up. I decided to purge some words and this is what I got. I don’t know what it is or what it means, but it isn’t boring, so there’s that.
I’m fine by the way. Really. It might say something about my writing that I have to constantly reassure people that I am OK, and not considering something unthinkable, but I promise you I am fine. Maybe out there is someone that isn’t, though, and maybe they will read this and feel less alone. Maybe.