In a Mood

I knew you had the blade when I turned my back on you
the straight razor with the pearl handle, stolen from your grandfather’s old shaving kit
I knew you were behind me, knew you were not going to let me walk out
and when I felt the cold steel whisper on my throat,
I knew this was the way it had to be:
your breath, hot in my ear, saying
I love you.

So I’m in a mood.  I am filled with anger, and when I am, this is what comes out.

In the white room, there is silence, solitude 
When I cut my wrists, words pour out, black and white, seething, choking
filling the space, building a new world, 
one in which I am not welcome

I live a good life.  Solid, responsible. Why, then, this fire inside? Why is my head filled with these terrible images?

I feed the pages to the flames, one by one, 
the lives I created burning to ash,
I can hear them cry out
page after page, burning cities consumed by fire
I will never be free, will never be empty
I will never be alone

I have insurance.  I have a reasonable mortgage.  I have a station wagon that I drive, every morning, on a very reasonable commute.  I have a loving family and a stable relationship.

When the ghosts come, they tear me to pieces,
take everything, leaving only empty memories,
a husk that can walk and say the right things
They return to the darkness, laughing
The hollow vessel walks into the future

I have done everything right, have achieved everything I have ever dreamed, received every gift, had every prayer answered, and somehow this has filled me with rage. 

Stability is a chain.  A blessing.  A curse.

Still Writing,

RP

4-22-16

It has been a long time since I have written anything interesting, and I have been feeling bottled up.  I decided to purge some words and this is what I got.  I don’t know what it is or what it means, but it isn’t boring, so there’s that.

I’m fine by the way.  Really.  It might say something about my writing that I have to constantly reassure people that I am OK, and not considering something unthinkable, but I promise you I am fine.  Maybe out there is someone that isn’t, though, and maybe they will read this and feel less alone.  Maybe.

Cheers. 

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